It’s amazing how things just simply fall into place. I say ‘just simply’ as if there wasn’t some struggle to get here – believe me there was. It was more internal struggle though. So, where is ‘here’? Well, I’m sitting in my new room, at my new house, on the corner of 19th and another street that I prefer not to name…. i have my reasons =) 

God has really worked this out for the best. My roommate is amazing so far. There is only one who is here now – the other two are coming later in the Summer. Moving in hasn’t been too hard – I’m still unpacking and trying to get things all situated. I still need to paint the walls and hang pictures on them – that kind o stuff… but other then that I LOVE it! 

Well, I’m going to go study now… I’m taking College Algebra – boo. 

g’night my long lost blog….

Tonight I past up two different opportunities to hang out with people that I love so that I could get school stuff done. I have two-three papers due this week, a quiz, and an exam – I also have three days of work, family coming to town, and a wedding to go to. It’s going to be a crazy seven days. 

Yet, here I sit – completely unmotivated. I have been reading but there is nothing to show for the past few hours. I have just been sitting here. I hate that. I am trying to self motivate myself … we’ll see how it goes.

Sitting in my Starbucks again. It’s been a while since I have been here alone. It’s kind of weird sitting here now because I know so many of the people around me. I’m officially a regular and I, therefore, know the other regulars. I’ve met some awesome people, that is for sure. From the old lady who has granchildren in California making movies for Warner Bros to the Curly hair guy from Hawaii who is so lonely. And then of course there is Gary. Gary is an older gentleman that reads like a fiend. I met him first when he told Joseph to “make sure you are treating that woman right”. Multiple times after that everytime we would see him he would say things like that. I love that he felt like he should pass his knowledge down to the next generation. We now have met his wife and had multiple conversations with him about his books, and life. Those are wonderful friendships. 

Sitting here, however, can lead to some crazy thoughts. I’m not the person to always listen in on conversations, or at least I have begun trying to not be ‘that’ person. But, I do think that if you are stupid enough to talk loud enough for EVERYONE around you to hear you then you obviously don’t care if I listen. hah. Seriously though, it’s amazing what you can hear if you open your ears. 

I was just sitting here minding my own business, earphones in, and above my Hillsong United I hear “it’s just so easy to love him”. Naturally my ears perked up considering I heard it over my fairly loud music, through my earphones, and it was coming from a man. a rather tall, oddly dressed, bald man. saying that it is ‘easy to love HIM’. Turns out he’s not homosexual – instead he’s a pastor. and the ‘HIM’ he is referring to is God. He continued on to say that ‘It’s just so easy to love God. Why wouldn’t you, and how would anyone be mad or upset with him? ever “ 

I honestly am not sure how I feel about that. I LOVE God. I really do. I am enthralled by the fact that He loves me. But, when all is said and done I have been mad at Him at times. I have wondered what in the world He is doing up there and why things are going this way or that way. Loving Him does not come easy to me, all the time. Am I alone in that thought? I really would like to hear what other people have to say about this. 

Thinking about the Psalms it doesn’t seem like David, a man after God’s own heart, was happy-go-lucky with God at all times. There were times when He questioned God (not his belief in Him but actually what He is doing). There were times when he told God how he is feeling and that wasn’t all warm fuzzies and smiles all the time. 

This is something that I have honestly been thinking about more lately then ever before. Is a sincere relationship with God always easy? I used to think that if I wasn’t truly happy with God  or with situations in my life that I shouldn’t think about it or I definitely shouldn’t ‘let God know’. Im realizing though, that if I am honest and vulnerable with God I verbalize how I feel to Him no matter what it is. He knows already so why wouldn’t I talk it out? 

It’s amazing what can spark so many thoughts. 

Let me know what you think…

I’ve been in the mood for something new. I’ve felt change coming for a while and it finally did. Things have definitely changed for me in the past few months. Everything from boyfriend and friends, to work ethic and living situation. Change is a very normal part of my life, but it is something that I have not always been comfortable with. 

When I was younger I was the child who loved everyone to be in the same place all of the time. I would LOVE for our family to go on vacations and all stay in the same hotel. It was safe for me. I lived a lot of my life with my family spread over different continents. There was one point that mom and I were in America, dad was in Israel (and traveling other parts of the world like he did so often back then) and my sister was in Australia. We all felt so spread out. But, after living years of my life with my family in different places you learn to enjoy when we are together and go on. 

That is just one instance where change was uncomfortable for me. One of the biggest changes in my life had to be when we moved to Israel. I was eleven years old and I had never moved. I had traveled and seen different parts of the world. I had been to Israel more times then I could count, but I always knew that I was coming right back and going right back to the school I had gone to since kindergarten and the house I came home to when I was born. But, not then. Not on July 11, 2000. That was when life really changed. It’s a reality check being an akward teenager in a country full of people you don’t know and have nothing in common with. But, there I was and through all of those wonderful circumstances that insued I learned to love change.

I learned that change was something that I could find comfort in. It was never easy, but it was through that unwelcome pain that my heart was tested, tried, and molded into what it was supposed to be. It was through the long nights and even longer days that God would speak. There I was, lowest of the low, lonely and ’stuck’ but the two things I knew was that change was going to happen no matter what, and God would be there when it did. 

It’s amazing now, however, that looking back on those wonderful experiences I long for that change again. Like I said the past few months have brought on all sorts of changes in my life. Some of them wonderful, and very needed, some of them timely, some of the had been coming for a while, and some of them happened only because of divine intervention, and I don’t say that lightly. So with all of this up and down craziness why is it that my heart is still yearning for change. Why is it that it takes everything inside of me not to say hey I’m ready to get out of here? 

This new era has begun, I really believe that. I know that 2009 is a new year for me – so why is it that I want to get out of here so bad? 

I heard a quote last night on the movie, “My Sassy Girl”. An old man sitting under a tree said, “What if changing your destiny, is your destiny.” 

It may not seem too profound to you, whoever you may be, whereever you may be, but to me – that rocked my world. What if chasing this thing that I feel growing in my heart is what I am supposed to be doing even if it feels like it is going against the grain. 

Just some rambling thoughts on this very long, work filled night.

 Does anyone have any thoughts on making friends? It’s seems my opinions are skewed considering the people I seem to be surrounded by are not much for being friends. I feel like I pour myself into people and then nothing happens. I suffocate and they go on living. I get walked on and they keep on going. 

just thoughts. Sorry if it sounds like a pity party.

Found a quiet little place today. So here I sit tucked away in the top of the humanities building surrounded by the hum of computers, some quiet whispers, and a very funny looking student who keeps falling asleep and has been that way for about an hour now. 

I used to be one of those people that loved to be smack dab in the middle of a group now here I am trying to hide. Not quite sure when that changed.

It’s FREEZING here today. The high is 9 degrees ferenheit and it’s below zero with the wind chill. Schools are closed – not mine of course. hah. But, it is COLD! 

well i’m off to class number two for the day. Should be fun.

I’ve always loved the start of a new year, yet I have never been too great at making New Year’s resolutions. This year I decided that I wasn’t going to make one. I was just going to have a different goal for each month. This month it was getting up early – yeah well that didn’t go so well. I’m not going to call it a ‘resolution’ but, maybe more of an effort. I want to write more. I think I can clear my head and heart and think so much more clearly about things if I can get them out on paper … err website. so, expect more ramblings from me.

I’m finally doing something that I have wanted to do for a really long time. I’m taking time to just sit and think. It feels good. I have a candle lit and most of the lights off in my room. I’m sitting in my papsan chair and letting the thoughts flow and whatever emotion comes out with them, i’m going to welcome it. I do a lot of thinking on the run. Random thoughts hit me at the most inopertune times. For instance at work I’ll start realizing things about myself and I think hmmm good blog – and that I completely forget. 

I have this thing for words. i LOVE words. My favorite word is ’serendipity’ a fortunate accident. Every once in a while I get on this word fad and I will hear one word over and over and over and well you get the picture, A LOT. About a year and a half ago that word was ’simplicity’. I think I might be there again. I have this desire for simplicity that I feel again that I haven’t felt in a while. I want to declutter my life in every aspect. I have cleaned my room out {you couldn’t tell by looking at it right now but it is – kind of}, I am not in certain activities anymore because they will cause too much drama, I have switched churches for the same reason amoung others. Simplicity. the Beauty of Simplicity. There is a song by Telecast called ‘Beauty of Simplicity’. I cannot tell you how many times over the years I have listened to that song and sobbed. The words: ” the beauty of simplicity that brings me down to my knees, I’ll praise you for eternity Lord I love – because You you first love me.” Those words, in and of themselves, are simple. A simple cry of love and passion. 

That is what I am determined to make my life right now. There is so much stuff going on in it that I could get easily overwhelmed but, what if I just stayed on top of it and made sure to keep everything simple. Maybe that is my New Year’s resolution: Keep it simple, regret nothing.

And so it alllllll begins … again. 

Four classes today. Feels like a lot. I have thirty minutes until my next class starts. I have already been to one. God is doing some crazy stuff in my head and heart, I’m a little confused about how this is all going to go down. 

I have already come to grips with the fact that this semester is going to be interesting. By interesting I mean challenging, I’m just trying to be positive. I have decided to lay down some things that are simply too much for me, at least for this semester. I have done a lot of praying and a lot of thinking about it and I know that I am supposed to be inactive. i KNOW that. But, I thought that meant I wouldn’t have to deal with confrontations that come along with being with certain people. God must have a sense of humor and some sort of plan that I don’t know of. He can’t give us more than we can handle though right…? 

I’m excited about the classes that I am taking. Four psychology classes and one humanities class. It shouldn’t bee too hard. We’ll see who shows up in the rest of them though. I’m going to have to find ways to focus just on the classes and let the drama of the life stuff not get in the way.

I’ve REALLY enjoyed having a drama free break. I guess I got too used to it. I refuse to get too caught up in it. 

My thoughts are all really scattered. I’m sitting in the cafe at school and there is SO much going on. So much for finding a quiet place to go. That’s okay though at least I’m wasting some time. 

Well fifteen minutes – I think I’m gonna be the dork that shows up super early…again. 

I’m stating it now — This semester is going to be different. I have the choice to let the crap get to me – and I choose to let it go.

mmm Sitting in that Starbucks again. Been here a few hours. I feel like this is my own personal side of the world, hidden from drama. Walk outside and it’s rainy and cold. But, in here it’s not. I can hide and people won’t find me. For me drama stops at the door. 

I was reading an article from Relevantmagazine.com earlier. It was from an issue a long time ago but, I had saved it on my computer and I now remember why. It’s called “Kill your iPod, Find your Walden”. the author was talking about how he heard this lecture about getting away from everything and having a break. He was talking about the idea that we are constantly entertaining ourselves. Everywhere we go there is music. Some people can’t think about driving 3 or 4 blocks without having music on. He went on to talk about how if we are constantly filling our minds with everyone else’s music and thoughts then how can we create anything our selves. He finished the article off with a qoute from Henry Thoreau’s Walden, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” 

That got me thinking so hard today. I am that person who has to have music. I study with music, I drive with music, I sit and think with music, I clean with music – that’s just me. But, what if I stopped everything around me and just chilled out enough to see what I could learn. What if I learned to live deliberately? How amazing that would be.